I have found out how much money worries he has now…?
Hi everyone,
Last week I posted a message on here re my partners money worries and that I didnt know how much he really was up the eye balls so to speak.
Well the weekend just gone, he drafted a spreadsheet with everything outstanding, and I can tell you that I was totally shocked to see what it was in total.
He has 6 credit cards, adding up to around £10k, then he has an additional £28k from a remortgage years ago that he is still paying off, he said he was offered the loan, and didnt really need it but used it over 3-5 years and now still owes it back after all these years. So there are 7 loans to pay off. Additional to this £30k worry, he also has a house to sell which is mortgaged for £239k which includes another remortgage loan of £35k. Alongside this, he also has a car to sell which is on a balloon payment and is costing him £475 a month, and needs to sell this for 16k so he can at least make a 1k out of this as now he has a free petrol car company car which makes a huge difference.
We are trying to sell this house which is tied with his ex as well and both are desperate to sell. We will sell one day hopefully!
however this weekend I have been feeling somewhat depressed, frustrated and almost at a low knowing he has £30k hanging over him. I asked him how he can sleep at night and where this money has gone over the years, he said he cant remember, drink, holidays, clothes, going out etc…….I am still overwhelmed to this day……
What would you do, I have said I will still pay the bills ie tax, water, electricity etc while I am living here with him but not the mortgage payments. I already have a flat rented out at the moment which is ticking along nicely with no worries at all…..but this is hanging over me re his house, his payments and his loans….its horrendous and to be honest the worst I have ever encountered. This has got worse since the ex left in Oct last year, she use to share the mortgage, but the 7 loans I wasnt aware of and I reckon neither was she.
If my parents knew how much he had, they would tell me I think to leave and not to get involved…I am worried too….by the way he is 41 years of age!
I am only 33 and feel for once in my life, its getting on track but being with him re money, I feel I am going backwards….he loves me dearly, cooks for me, is always there, doesnt go out anymore or drink for that matter and now he is wants to settle and prove this life to me that he is a good person which I know he is, its just the money?!?!?
any suggestions…..
thank you kindly, at least now I know I much we are looking at.
The next step is for us to rent together after the house is sold, but for me I might just buy myself and he can live with me, I am not getting myself attached in any financial situation. I said he needs to prove to me he is capable of working through these finances and that after that once its done we can then get a mortgage together. I know I love him but I have to be wise!?!?!
thanks for reading xxx
Hi there.
Well, first of all, there’s no reason to break up with a good guy because he has financial problems. You have your emotional relationship, and then there’s the financial side. There’s no need to mix these two up. I mean, we all know a rich guy, but who is a complete pr@t. So why give up a good guy just because he’s made some poor financial decisions. I’m sure he’s learnt his lesson by now anyway.
What I would do is:
1. If you can afford to buy a small place and pay it off on your own, then do that, DO NOT take out a joint mortgage with him , or any other joint financial arrangements, and he can move out of his current house , and live with you, so that he and his ex can sell the house. They are most likely to make a bit of a loss on it, but at least you’re looking at smaller numbers. After he’s moved in with you, he can use most of his wage to pay off his debts.
2. If you understand that,there’s your emotional relationship, which you say is great, then you have the financial issues…there’s nothing wrong with writing up a contract with him to say that you’ll take care of all the finances (or most of them) until he becomes debt free, after which he’ll have a bigger share of expenses, so that you are reimbursed for your support.
Now! I know what you’re going to say! You don’t want any money, blah blah…As women we love to mix emotions and money! But he needs to pay your money back somehow. There’s nothing wrong with drawing up a contract with him. So, let’s say that after he becomes debt free he’ll take 70% of expense (if he can afford that) until such time that you think you’ll have been fairly compensated for supporting him financially for a few years. And should your relationship end before he becomes debt free, or within so many years after he has become debt free, then you’d like some of your money back, thank you very much!!! Yes, you love him, but don’t let him use you. It’s difficult to see that when you’re in love, so just watch your back just in case.
3. Now bear in mind that he could die between now and before he is debt free, (I know that this isn’t a nice thought) which means that you’d have lost your partner, but you’d also have been supporting him financially for x number of years, so what you need to add to your ‘contract’ with him, is for him to take out life insurance payable to you between now, and when he becomes debt free. And/or so many years after he has become debt free. So that you can get your money back. Remember, help him out financially because you love him, but don’t take a financial hit, which could last for years and years after you’d have broken up or after he’d have died.. Look out for yourself, because nobody else will.
Does this sound a bit calculated? Don’t worry about. It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but remember you only have to have it once, and if you’re going to be supporting him for the next 3 – 5 years, then you need to look out for your best interests too.
A lot of couples fight over money issues because they don’t have these sorts of frank conversations. Look at it as you would a business arrangement. Write this out on a piece of paper, and present it to him. I think it’s a fantastic deal/ arrangement, and if he is a reasonable guy, and he loves you and isn’t going to mess you about, trust me this is an offer he can’t refuse. You’d be supporting him, as a loving partner, but you’d also be looking out for your financial interests as well.
Remember, no need to break up with a good guy who loves you, just because he has money problems. Emotional relationship and financial relationship are separate issues.
Good luck.
whilst I can understand your worries please remember this is his debt not yours. help where you can but it was him that spent the money not you and now he is paying the consequences. whatever you do – do not start to get involved in the debt and put your name to any of it. recommend that he contacts a debt advice group and they can talk to him about how best to pay it off so that he won’t get in any worse debt.
everyone has their bad points – this is his!
JUST MAKE SURE HE WOULD GO TO BATTLE WITH YOU 2. BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING HIS PROBLEMS YOURS,
Get rid of him or you’ll be in debt for the rest of your life.
I think you have a good head on your shoulders not to get a morgage together. If you good with money buy and let him live with you. Also put everything on your name. All the things in his name can be reposessed if he doesnt make his payments. At least he is making an effort. Just be supportive, but keep yourself out of his money problems. Help by supporting him emotionally but not by giving him money. Furthermore keep it to yourself. Work out how long it will take him at his current rate to pay it off and see where he can make more budgetary cuts. If he does live with you he still needs to help with living expenses eg groceries and stuff.
Maybe not full half, but at least somewhat of a contribution. He cant just ride this out on your paycheck.It aslo might help to go and see a financial consultant to assist you with some advise.
Also it is time to cut up all of his cards.
Assuming he can sell up his assets and pay his debts and still come out in front or not too far in the red then I don’t really see a problem. It sounds bad and is no doubt a worry for you both at the moment but think positive and actively pursue the sale of his assets. No doubt the lesson has been learnt and it won’t get to that stage again. Good luck to you both.